-Should I wear this, nah, I don’t want to look too cheap-
-Let’s check my message… Nothing? Why doesn’t anyone care?-
-She said she liked my shirt. But that tone sounded so negative…
what would she actually mean by that? –
-I don’t want to go out. But I better should… I don’t want to be the boring one.-
Are you constantly catching yourself worrying about what other people think? Like your friends, your family, some strangers, or even your grumpy old neighbor? And are you so done and tired of feeling this way?
Perfect, because you should! You are worth so much more than this constant suffer and search for approval. It is time to put this ongoing worrying behind you and to face reality. Nobody is perfect. They aren’t, and so aren’t you. And you know what? That is exactly what makes us, humans, such unique and amazing creatures. Please, don’t try to change your authenticity for anyone.
First of all, if you want the constant suffering and searching for other people’s approval to stop, you need to learn to love yourself again.
Because if you don’t love yourself unconditionally, you can get easily caught up in the negativity that other people place on you. Because the combination of your own self-disapproval with the bad opinions of others can make you end up feeling very insecure, unhappy and anxious. It can make you question yourself constantly, whether you are good enough, whether you are worthy enough or whether you are beautiful enough. And every following judgment or bad opinion can feel like another confirmation on your already negative self-talk that is constantly crossing through your mind. It is like a vicious circle. A circle that only you can break.
Well, the moment you were born, you were born as a clean slate. You don’t know self-judgment yet, and you don’t know criticism at all. You only observe what is going on around you and are trying to understand how to survive in this world. You start with living on your basic instincts. Crying, if you want food. Crying, if want you are tired. You don’t think about it, you just react on your body, instinct and basic needs. But from the moment you notice that crying helps, you start to learn. You start to see patterns of action-reaction-result.
But with learning, there are some consequences. During life, you learn step by step how to act, react and grow up in this life. But as a baby or youngster, you are too young to learn through choice and questioning. What do I mean by this: Well, you just randomly pick up whatever your loved ones say, and you accept it as being the truth and the only truth. Because parents, teachers, elders are always right, isn’t it? At least that is what we think at that point in our lives because we aren’t able yet to make mature decisions for ourselves already.
And of course, our parents and many others mean well, as they just want to learn us the basic principles of how to live life properly. And the older we get, the more people become involved in our lives. Friends, society, social media, authority,… So this means even more influences.
But what if you never learned to question what anyone says to you? What if you don’t question whether their truth is actually the only truth for you? Are you then even living up to your own authenticity? Because in the end, they speak out of their own past experiences, their learnings from the past. But do those learning also fit your life path? Because it’s is very important to understand that what works for one person does not always work for another. And that is where caring about other people’s opinions become tricky and quite irrelevant for your own growth. Definitely when it comes to accepting negative and misplaced judgments.
As you are so used to listening to other opinions, dreams, expectations of you, it became harder to listen to your own inner voice. And the quieter you inner voice became because of the many distractions, the weaker your loyalty to your own intuition became as well. And with many people, it stays like this during their whole lifetime. Not because they want it to but more because they aren’t aware of it anymore. They completely accepted the external voices as being their own. And as the external voices often sound judgmental, they make their host weaker, more insecure and more in need of clarity. Clarity they will look for in others but themselves. But for some, like you, who read this blog, there is an awareness of the fact that you care too much about other people’s opinions. More then they are actually really serving you any good. You are aware that you have your own responsibility in life and that you are worthy as an individual. You just need that extra push to get completely out of this negative life habit.
People make judgments or expectations based on their past experiences and life lessons. But what happened to one person in the past, will not always happen to another. As well as not everyone’s perspective of life, people or events equals the perspective that other people made about the exact same thing. Their judgments can tell a whole lot more about themselves than it actually does about you. Whether it is about opinions, appearences, life experiences,… they can’t judge you based on their past. Because they didn’t walk a lifetime in your shoes. They don’t know you as you do. They don’t know what you’ve been through. So why would you even accept their judgments as the only truth for you while their judgments aren’t even based on your life in the first place?
You just heard that a random guy talked behind your back calling you slutty. You feel bad about this and start to question your looks and appearance. Thoughts like: ‘Did I do something wrong that might cause this rumor?, ‘Do my clothes look so trashy?’, might pop up into your mind. Or maybe you become mad and totally blame the other person for ruining your night.
You are a girl who likes to wear heels, make-up and loves to go to a party. Besides that, you are very social and a generally friendly person towards any gender. Let’s not forget that you own some fantastic dance moves that you are proud to show. Nothing wrong with that! You are just you, and that is perfectly OK!
The opinionated guy:
He just lost his girlfriend that cheated on him with another guy. His ex-girlfriend kind of looked like you and was very social and friendly as well. Because of that, he just immediately assumed that you must be a cheater and guy-lover as well. A total wrong assumption of him of course but he is just too hurt at this point to see this.
The assumption of the guy has nothing to do with you personally. The guy doesn’t know you. And even though what he did is wrong, it says more about his perspective and his past than it says about you. So don’t take it too personally when people judge you, feel sorry for them for what may have happened in the past that made them jump into these assumptions.
What I’ve also learned along my journey is that besides loving yourself, you should also accept and forgive others because they are as imperfect as you are. Because we all try to find our ways in life to get to the point where we want to be. And just as you, a lot of others are also scared of being judged or being disliked. Sometimes it feels like a game… judge before you get judged. An endless and pointless game with no effective winners at all of course.
But just remember that many aren’t at that point to really figure out what to do about this and how to take own responsibility in changing this. And as you are reading this blog, I am guessing that you are in some way aware, or interested in knowing the real facts behind judgments and not taking it personally. Besides that, you, reading this blog also means that you are somewhere aware of the fact that change doesn’t happen by changing your environment. It can only happen by changing your own perspective and mindset.
So a great tip that I can give you, don’t judge those who judge you. Be the bigger person. Forgive their ignorance and don’t get involved in the whole judging behavior. Because if people judge other people while not wanting to be judged themselves. Doesn’t that make them hypocrites? Actually, it does. Doesn’t it?
You don’t need to be like that. You have the choice to be smarter, wiser and more mature. Let them think whatever they want, you know damn well how amazing you really are! And don’t let anyone make you think otherwise. You are the expert of your own being and you know yourself best.
Love & Joy